she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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