Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dicks are not precious.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
