so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
