Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
