I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
