life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
