Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
