i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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