He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
