Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Success! We fucked roommates!
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