those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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