did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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