so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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