Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
