I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
