Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
