you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
