Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
