I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
