God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
