He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
