Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
