I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize