We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
