At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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