first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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