mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize