I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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