my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
