Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
