Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
