Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
