I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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