Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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