why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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