I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
