I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
