I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
