I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
