I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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