she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
