you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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