I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
