I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
