this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
