Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
