You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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