then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
