so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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