Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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