nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this boner is exhausting
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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