A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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