at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
