i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
