you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
