I met the friendliest cop last night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
