I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
