Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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