I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
